“This is really weird” Charlie said softly as he and Rachael took their seats at Beth Shalom church in Vancouver, Washington. “It looks like I’m in Israel.”
“I can’t imagine why that should be” Rachael replied with a chuckle. “After all, we’re a bunch of Jews here who just happen to believe that Yeshua is the Messiah.”
Charlie took in the menorahs, the stars of David, the men wearing the little hats that Jewish men wear, and especially the wall on the right side of the room that was painted to look like the Western Wall in Jerusalem. He even had to walk up to that wall to convince himself that the grass growing in the racks wasn’t real. “So you learned how to be so nice by going to church here?” he asked.
Rachael sighed. “Not really” she answered. “If I really am all that nice, I learned if from my parents. They really are two of the most wonderful people that I ever have known in my life.”
Rachael’s tone grew more somber after she told him that. Charlie remembered her story from the first day that they had met, and began to connect the dots. “But you don’t see them anymore, do you?”
Rachael heaved another sigh and sat silently next to him. After a minute he spoke again. “I’m sorry Rachael. I shouldn’t have brought that up. I guess I forgot that my pain wasn’t the only pain in the world. Let’s just drop the subject, OK?”
“No” she replied. “It’s not good to ‘just drop’ things. Things don’t usually stay dropped. It’s alright Charlie. My parents consider me to be dead in their eyes. They feel that I have left the faith that has sustained my people for thousands of years. In their opinion, that places me outside of the community. I know that they will always love me, but I am as dead to them as your daughter is dead to you. I will be married within the year and, God willing, will begin a family, but my parents, my aunts and uncles, and all of the family except for two black sheep cousins won’t be a part of it.”
“I really am sorry Rachael. I don’t know how to say it better than that.”
“It’s OK Charlie. Really, it is. I feel your sympathy more than hear it, and it’s appreciated. The Holy Spirit interprets our prayers to the Father when our words fall short. I think that the Spirit works like that between humans sometimes too.”
“Oh boy, have I got a lot to learn about this stuff. I really don’t know anything about this Father and Holy Spirit business. I thought it was all about Jesus; er, I mean Yeshua.”
“Yes, it is a lot to learn, and we Jews are very dedicated to learning. ‘We learn so that we can teach’ is a guiding principle with us. But don’t get tangled up in the details. Love God with all your heart, soul, strength and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. Do that and you’re way ahead of the game.”
“Well, that’s not too – – -.”
“Ahhh-Ooohhhh!” A horn wailed. A man emerged from a side door with a long, curled horn raised to his lips. “Ahhh-Ooohhh!” A second man entered the room from a different door, blowing on a similar horn with a higher pitch. The service had officially begun.
Three hours later Charlie and Rachael were walking toward the parking lot. Two hours of service, nearly half of which had been spent singing in Hebrew, had been followed by a meal in a large room downstairs. “Schmooze. Dance. Nosh” said the bulletin that had been handed out at the door, and that is exactly what went on downstairs.
“These people are my family now” Rachael said as they walked toward her car. “They’ll never really take the place of Mom and Dad, but they’re not supposed to. They’re my community. We worship together, pray together, celebrate together, grieve together. We complete each other. I’m not close to everyone that you saw today. In fact, there’s a few with whom I spend as little time as I can. But I would do anything for all of them because they were made in God’s image and Yeshua loves his creation. I will try as best I can to love them too.”
“That explains a lot” Charlie said. “I suppose you believe that the kid that hit you is made in God’s image.”
“Exactly. Yeshua loves him and died to redeem him just as he did to redeem me. So how could I hate him? Hate is the devil’s work, and I’ll let him keep that to himself, as best I can.”
“Rachael, can I just say this?” Charlie asked as they reached her car. “You are one of the sweetest, most kind human beings that I have ever met. I don’t know whether to thank your parents or your God for you, but I feel like a very lucky man to be able to call you my friend.”
Rachael blushed deeply, which lent an extra radiance to her usual beauty. “Thank you Charlie. I really don’t think that I deserve all of that, but a girl loves to hear a compliment.”
“That fact that you don’t think you deserve it makes it all the more applicable” Charlie replied. “Thank you so much for sharing all of this with me. “I don’t know where I’ll go with it, but you’ve given me a lot to think about.”
“I’m glad for that, Charlie” she replied. “OK, I’ll see you soon at the garden.” Rachael climbed into her car, backed out of the parking slot, and disappeared into the traffic on 49th Street. Charlie watched until she drew out of sight.
He had no set plans for the rest of the day. Carolyn was helping her sister to move a niece to Cheney, Washington, where she was beginning college at Eastern Washington University, and would be out of touch for a couple of days. Charlie had been given a lead by his friend Manny Baca on a house that a speculator intended to have built for immediate sale, and Carolyn had been agreeable to letting Charlie put his crew on the job while all of the proper hoops were being jumped through on the strip mall project, which increasingly looked like it was going to happen. Lester and the crew were good men. They appreciated Charlie’s efforts to keep them busy, and repaid him by being diligent in their work.
Charlie drove by the project and saw that footings had been dug and forms were being set for the foundation. Nobody was working that day and there was nothing there to inspect, but Charlie got out of his truck and walked among the trenches and forms and rough plumbing anyway.
The idea slowly formed in Charlie’s mind that for most of his life places like this had been his church. Building codes, tax codes, balance sheets and labor laws had been his Bible, or maybe his Torah, the rolled up scroll or whatever it’s called that was carried around the room at the Jewish/Christian church he had been at that morning.
Those building codes and laws had outlined how he should live, what rules to follow, how to succeed, and what gave his life meaning. But when the hammer of Stevie’s death came down on his head those codes didn’t have any answers for him. Despair could not be countered with the hope offered by a balance sheet. A family could not be held together by five nails in the field, on sixteen inch centers.
Charlie felt an unexpected moment of hatred toward the trades; this false god. It promised him that it would be sufficient for him but it was a damned lie. The trades had stabbed him in the back and then thrown him under the bus when he needed it the most. Then he remembered Rachael’s words: “Hate is the devil’s work.” With an effort he switched gears and, maybe for the first time, looked at the trenches and pipes and forms around him and saw what they really are, which is trenches and pipes and forms, and nothing more or less than that.
Charlie inspected those artifacts one more time, but as a construction project this time, and not as a sacrament. Satisfied with what he saw, he climbed into his truck and debated where to go next. Billy was at home, studying hard in order to get a good start on his program at the community college. Charlie could go there and do a little work on the main house where Billy’s parents lived, but he didn’t feel like it at the moment. Finally, he simply turned on the engine, put the truck into gear and began to drive.
It seemed as if the truck drove itself, and soon Charlie saw that he was near the Blake Meadows neighborhood where he and Maureen had lived. Charlie had not been in this neighborhood since the separation and felt an aversion to going into it now that he realized his proximity.
Another feeling overwhelmed that aversion. Was it curiosity? A desire for self-punishment? A hope for, what? Hope itself? Charlie didn’t know, but whatever it’s provenance, that feeling gave him the steel to turn left onto Winston Street. After a few turns he pulled up in front of 14513 NE Brownfield.
He parked across the street but allowed the motor to continue to idle. The house looked a little the worse for wear. It had been only two and a half years since he had lived there, but more like three and a half since he had cared about the place. Now the roof shingles were sporting a coat of moss, thanks to the shade provided by the Enyerts’ maple tree next door.
The paint on the trim around the garage door was cracking at the bottom, where the splash from years of rain had weakened it The lawn needed mowing and was sprinkled with a crop of dandelions. Charlie felt a sadness, and an impulse to make an offer to buy the place back and restore it to health. He quickly laid that aside however. “You’ve moved on” he reminded himself. “Maureen and Jack are moving on. There’s nothing to be gained here, so it’s time to leave this place alone to be somebody else’s problem.”
Charlie put the truck into gear and drove through the neighborhood, remembering people, places and events in the same manner as when he had walked through his old neighborhood in San Diego. “That was yesterday” he thought. “I’m more interested in today and tomorrow.” At last he turned out of the neighborhood and after more aimless wandering found himself on the edge of downtown. Having nothing better to do, he drove on into the area, found an empty spot along Main Street, pulled into it and shut down his motor.
Charlie simply sat in the cab of his truck, listening to the ‘ping,ping’ of the engine cooling. “Why am I so melancholy?” he asked himself. “Things are as good for me now as they have ever been, and yet I feel empty and aimless. What the heck is this all about?” After a few minutes he emerged from the truck and began to walk. Leroy’s was not too far away, but LuAnn wouldn’t be working there that day. He had no intention of eating but he decided to walk past the restaurant anyway. It was almost ready to close. He looked through the front window and saw Peggy cleaning up the last tables. He waved to her and she waved back.
Charlie walked south, down Main. “Funny” he thought. “I enjoyed seeing Peggy and waving to her, and she’s not one of my favorite people.” He passed by the pawn shops, past the homeless people congregating outside of a kitchen that soon would be passing out soup and sandwiches, and finally under the railroad bridge to where the path across the I-5 bridge began. “I haven’t been here since that night last spring” he thought, and then he began walking up the approach and then onto the bridge itself. The noise was awful, but he tuned it out and focused on a spot perhaps a seventy five yards in front of him.
When he reached that spot Charlie stopped. The pedestrian path widened here at the middle of the river. He looked over the railing at the water and watched it gurgle, ripple, and flow around the concrete pier and on down river towards the sea. Today there were no faces imploring him to jump over the railing into those waters, and no voices coming out of the white noise produced by the traffic.
He stared into that water and thought of the Maureen who had visited him that night, and of the Jack who screamed at him to jump. Now he had new faces to occupy his memory; Jack eating tacos and talking excitedly about music and history, and a forgiving Maureen offering her hand in friendship and mutual concern for their son’s welfare before driving away to meet Carl. “Those are a good deal more welcome than the last faces were” he thought. He continued to stare at the corner of the pier, where Stevie’s body had once appeared to be bumping up against it in the waves. Today there was nothing but water, with the light of the sun sparkling on the tiny waves. Stevie had elected to stay dead and buried today.
Charlie stayed there for perhaps twenty minutes, looking at where ghosts once played and beckoned. Several pedestrians and bicyclists walked and rode past him. He was aware that some looked at him strangely. “Probably think I’m going to jump” he thought. He assumed that the ones he didn’t pay attention to were looking at him in the same way. Finally he grew tired of staring at the water, or to be more accurate he found no further reason to stay there. He turned his back on that place and walked back across the bridge and into Vancouver.
Charlie’s restlessness was tempered but not cured. He kept walking, and soon was walking past the apartment building where he had once lived. “Existed would be more like it” he said to himself. He walked past the window that he had nearly always kept open. Today it was open too, probably in order to let a breath of cool air penetrate to allay the stuffiness of the warm summer day. When he had lived there it was open in order to make the path easier for anyone who wanted to enter the apartment and kill the occupant in the process.
He didn’t linger near the apartment. There were no good memories there and no good reason to linger, so he began his walk back to where the truck was parked. That last few blocks led him past the big cathedral that he had entered a couple of times before, and he decided that he may as well go inside and pay it one more visit if it was open.
The building was in fact open, and Charlie stepped through the heavy wooden doors, into the cool interior of the cathedral. There was nobody in the sanctuary at that time of the day. Charlie was not sure why he had come in to this place. He thought of the times the he had been there before; of how odd it felt and how he had been afraid that somebody would talk to him. It now occurred to him that that was exactly what was causing his restlessness that day. He wanted somebody to talk to.
Billy was busy, Carolyn was out of town, and his crew was off work today. Rachael was relaxing at home on this sabbath day. The only person with whom he could possibly connect at this time of the day was Walt, who was probably harvesting vegetables to take to the food bank. Walt was a friend, it was true, but he was not what Charlie needed at this time.
On an impulse, he pulled out his phone and punched in Jack’s number. Perhaps his son would spend a few minutes chatting with his lonely father. After five rings the sound of a dog barking came over the phone, followed by a message: “Hi! This is Spunky the Dog. My boy Jack is not available. For the price of a bone I’ll pass on any message that you leave after the beep. Woof. Woof.” Charlie thought about hanging up but rejected that idea out of hand. He had already hung up on his son enough for one lifetime. “Hi Jack. This is your Dad. I was just listening to a work by Haydn and it made me think of you. I’ll try to touch bases with you later. Bye.”
Charlie hung up and put his phone away. “It’s probably bad form speaking on a phone in church anyway” he thought. “Even if nobody’s here.” He sat on the hard wooden pew for a while longer, thinking that he should go somewhere, but unable to think of anywhere to go that was any better than were he already was.
At last he arose and began to look at the art work, in the same manner as he had when he came here the previous spring. The same statues; the same saints with their fingers raised in a silent blessing, the same sad Madonnas, the same bleeding Jesus. Yeshua. Charlie looked closely at the statue of the crucified Yeshua. There was blood running down his forehead and into his beard, from the nails in his hands and feet, and from his side. “I wonder what made that wound” Charlie thought.
Once again Charlie walked around looking at the pictures that hung on the walls and depicted Yeshua’s very bad day. The art was beautiful, but Charlie looked more deeply into the story this time. Yeshua condemned by a Roman governor, Yeshua, already bloodied, receiving his cross. Yeshua stumbles. “Man, that guy got a really bad deal” he thought. “How could he carry that cross even if he hadn’t been beat to a pulp. I know how heavy that much wood would be.”
Now some guy gets to carry the cross for Yeshua. A woman wipes his bloodied face. He falls again. “The Rabbi didn’t talk about that today. Why did Jesus/Yeshua have to do all of that?” Yeshua is stripped, he’s nailed to the cross. Charlie looked over at the statue of the crucified Yeshua and thought “That statue isn’t an isolated moment frozen in time. That was part of a bigger, horrible deal.” Yeshua finally dies, is removed from the cross and is buried.
“So, Rachael believes that this Yeshua went through all of this and is still alive. I don’t know how you can believe such a thing, but she does and it guides her to be one of the most decent people I know.” Charlie’s internal debate continued. “But Carolyn’s a wonderful person too, and I’ve never heard her mention anything about religion, or if she has, I’ve forgotten it. So why do I feel drawn to this? Why did I go to church – she called it a synagogue – with Rachael this morning? Was it just to be with Rachael? No. She’s a lovely woman, but that’s not why I went.
And why am I here now? This place with its saints and candles and bleeding god/hero is just as foreign to my life as is the Hebrew and the horns and all of the other trappings were this morning. Why did I come here, and more important, why do I want to stay?”
Charlie failed to find a good answer to that question and abruptly turned to leave the cathedral, and promptly walked right into a man in dark clothing and a white collar, exploding a box of papers that he was carrying and spraying hot coffee over both of them.
“Shit!” Charlie barked. “I’m so sorry! Let me help you with these.” He bent down and began to gather up the papers and was quickly joined by his victim in that task. After a moment though the man in black began to chuckle, then to laugh, and finally sat down on the floor with his back against the wall, right underneath where Yeshua was being laid to rest by some guy accompanied by a couple of grieving women, and laughed until tears ran down his face.
This was confusing to Charlie. He finished collecting the papers and tried to give them to the man, who could hardly compose himself enough to receive them. His laughter was as infectious as a benevolent bubonic plague, and soon a confused Charlie began to chuckle too. He, too, sat down and leaned against the wooden pew opposite where the man in black rested.
“You’re a pastor, aren’t you?” Charlie asked. “Or a priest? I don’t know much about these things, but I’m pretty sure that you’re not a rabbi.”
“Father Krempke, but you can call me anything that you like, except late for dinner. And you are – – -?”
“Uh, Charlie. Charlie Hamer.”
“Pleased to meet you, Charlie Hamer. I take it you’re not Catholic.” Father Krempke said as he began to get his laughter under control. “A good Catholic boy would never steamroll a priest carrying his coffee. His pathetic scribblings perhaps” and he pointed toward the papers. “But never his coffee.”
“I really am sorry about that” Charlie said. “And I’m sorry about my profanity too.”
“Oh, you mean shit? It seemed perfectly suitable for the occasion to me. I’m just glad that you couldn’t hear what I was thinking. You can call me a priest if that is more comfortable to you, but I wouldn’t mind if you called me John. That’s what my friends call me.” The priest then looked at his empty cup of coffee and the brown liquid on the stone floor. “I suppose I should get that up and get myself another cup. Would you like to join me?”
Charlie felt at ease with this affable young man – what was he, in his thirties? – and offered to clean up the mess while Father Krempke poured two cups of coffee. Soon they were seated in the pew near where the collision had occurred beneath the fourteenth station of the cross, sipping their coffee and becoming acquainted. Father Krempke asked him about his life; not in an inquisitorial manner but as if he was genuinely interested. Charlie responded to this young man’s kindness and interest and spoke of his going to the synagogue with Rachael that morning as his first real exposure to the religious experience, and of the questions that now bothered him.
“I’ve had a rough time the last few years, and I’m only now beginning to get a handle on things. I’ve run into a few people who go to church and they seem to be onto something that I’m not. But I know other people who don’t go to church and they’re doing OK too. I feel sort of drawn to this” – Charlie waved at the interior of the church, – “but I don’t really know why. I look up at those paintings and I can see that Yeshua – I mean Jesus – had a bad time of it, and I wonder, if he was a god or something, why did he take it in the shorts like that? And if he was a god, why do all of the really crappy things that happen in the world still happen? I can say crappy around here, can’t I?”
“Yes. You can say ‘shitty’ if you want to” Father Krempke replied. “You just asked enough good questions to produce a couple dozen books with good answers, and some of them I don’t have a good answer to. Let me try to give you a thumbnail, even a drive-by, answer to some of them if you will.
You pointed out that you know good and decent people who are believers and others who are not. How can that be? I mean, if you’re not one of God’s flock you must be a total jerk, right? Well, it’s not all that easy, and it’s not easy to explain either. Let me put it this way. God has created all of us. All of this” – Father Krempke’s arm swept from his right to his left – “and he created it to be good. We have a problem, though, that God calls sin, and that problem separates us from him but it doesn’t change who made us and how we were made to be. That goodness can still shine out, regardless of a person’s religious belief or lack thereof. Some of the nastiest people I know are religious while some atheists put a lot of effort and love into their community. Remember, the people who killed Jesus were the religious leaders of his time.
“I don’t really know much about all of that, but I’ll take your word for it.”
“You really are new to this! Well, anyway, God has said to us that he was interested in your heart, not in your credentials, and he preferred a helping hand offered to a neighbor more than the sacrifice of a thousand bulls. Don’t get too tangled up in that sacrifice thing; that comes in Theology 1.02. If you have unbelieving friends who are extending love to you, just know that their love is coming from God Himself, and he’s crediting that love from your friends to them as righteousness.”
“So” Charlie said, picking up on that thread. “You’re saying that the God you’re talking about cares about us, even if we don’t know anything about him?”
“No, I didn’t say that at all, but I’m sure that I would have gotten around to it eventually. What I was saying is that Jesus – God With Us – died for all of us. He didn’t go through all of that” – Father Krempke again swept his arm, this time at the paintings of the stations of the cross – “just because it was the next step in the Big Plan. He did it because he loves all of his creation. There’s a verse in Romans, a book that a very smart Jew wrote to Jewish and non-Jewish believers in Rome. ‘God demonstrated his love for us in this: while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.’ So God loves us all, and all of us, to one degree or another, reflect that love back into the world. God pays attention to that.”
“But then why does he let all of this awful stuff happen in the world?” Charlie asked. “Why did my friends get so badly damaged in their wars? Why did my boss’ husband die of cancer? Why – – -,” Charlie choked back a surge of emotion that was tinged with anger. “Why did my daughter die?”
Father Krempke sat silent for a moment. At last he said “Charlie, in the first place I’m sorry for your loss. I truly am. We priests don’t get to have daughters, so I won’t pretend to know how that hurt feels. But I’ve buried enough sons and daughters to know that the hurt is deep and the anger is natural. Again, I’m sorry.
As to why those things happened, I won’t try to give you a facile argument, because I frankly don’t know why they happened. Humans just seem to love wars and they love to send their young men to fight in them. The world is bent, if not fully broken. I can assure you that God does not like the idea of war. And disease was not God’s plan either. He made the world perfect. It got bent, as I said, and I won’t go into the ‘how’ about it right now. It just did and now God’s working on straightening it out. That’s why he did what he did” – the priest pointed at the paintings of Jesus on his journey to the cross and then to the grave. “That was the only way that God could sort this mess out.
Finally, I don’t know why your daughter died, but it was not because God wanted it. Like I said, he is straightening this mess out but it isn’t finished getting fixed just yet. Until it does get fixed, these sad things will continue to happen. But he IS working on it and paid a pretty high price to get things in motion. When he gets this all sorted out it will make sense in the end. Until that happens, we just have to live by faith. But know this; God loved – no loves – your daughter, and wants the very best for her. Her death was not because God was angry with her, that I can assure you.”
“So you think that Stevie might be in heaven?”
“Hmm. That’s above my pay grade. Let me try to wriggle off of that hook by saying that it is very possible that she is. I told you earlier that I believe that people who show God’s love, whether they know that he is the source of it or not, have that credited to them as righteousness. How that plays out in the end, I don’t know. The Bible is an operator’s manual, not an exhaustive schematic. But I do know that God doesn’t want anyone to die an eternal death. Not one person. He’s not some sort of cosmic spoil sport who creates people just so that he can cook them. There’s other scripture that says God wants all people to live, but I don’t want to overwhelm you with that.”
“But you ARE saying that Stevie MIGHT be in heaven” Charlie persisted.
Father Krempke sighed and said “Yes, I guess that is what I am saying, but it’s so much more complicated than that; so much nuance. But I will say to you again that the answer is ‘yes’, I believe that she might be in heaven.”
“The sheep and the goats thing, right?” Charlie asked.
“Yes, exactly. So you do know something about all this.”
“Very little. A Jewish Christian told me about that, but I don’t really know the context or anything.”
“Well, bless his or her heart. Look, God is gracious and loving. God made a lot of people who couldn’t possibly know anything about Abraham or Moses or Jesus and his ministry. Native Americans who fished for salmon in the Columbia River right here three or four thousand years ago, for instance. How could they know how to pray the sinner’s prayer and punch their ticket into heaven? Unless you believe that God created those people, people that the Word of God clearly says that he loves, specifically to go from birth to barbecue, and I emphatically DON’T believe that, then you have to believe that there’s more to the story than what we generally know. That smart Jew that I mentioned earlier? He wrote about that issue too.”
“Well, if we can get into heaven just by being good, why do all of this?” and it was Charlie’s turn to sweep his arm from right to left through the sanctuary. “Why worry about all the rules and restrictions?”
“I never said anything about rules and restrictions, and I don’t believe God said much about them either. He said ‘Love God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself.’ It was actually a little more poetic than that, but that’s what he said. Love God because God is good and deserves to be loved, and love your neighbor in the same way that God loves you, or as near to that as you can get. That’s about it. We men have laid a lot of other stuff on top of that, but that’s really what God said. He gave us a lot of suggestions about how we can make a better life, but that one commandment was the one that he said he really wanted from us.
And faith means a lot to God. Doing good things is certainly valuable to him, to your neighbor and even to you, but trying to run up a score as if you have the power to work your way into heaven isn’t the whole trick. Doing this because you have faith in God is really what he wants, but this is a lot to pack into a first conversation.”
Charlie was beginning to think the same thing. That morning with Rachael he had been introduced to the awe and mystery that a people had felt for thousands of years for a God who they had never seen, but who’s presence they had felt through their few victories and their long and murderous list of persecutions. Now he was listening to this priest tell him of a God who knows him and loves him personally, and who loves Stevie and Walt and Jack, and everyone else that he knew and cared about on a personal level. It was a lot to think about, and Charlie felt like it was time to go and do that.”
Charlie rose from the pew and asked Father Krempke if they could talk again. “Of course” the Father had replied. “I live here. I look forward to seeing you any time that you like, as long as I’m not baptizing a baby or something.” Charlie smiled at that and then walked out into the sunlight of the Vancouver afternoon.
His truck was only a couple of blocks away and soon he was in it and driving east. At first he didn’t know where he was going but it soon became clear as he drove closer to the cemetery where Stevie lay resting. He entered the lot in front of the cemetery office and parked the truck. A lot of bodies had been added to this place in the last two and a half years, but Charlie walked straight to a spot that he knew he could never forget.
There it stood, the granite marker that announced the final resting place of Stephanie Allison Hamer, August 7, 1995 – June 12, 2015. Charlie walked slowly up to the marker and knelt down in front of it. He stayed there silently for a long time, he had no idea how long. At last he began to speak.
“Hi Stevie” he said. “It’s been a long time. I guess I would normally ask somebody how they’ve been doing, but it seems a little misplaced here, with you being dead and all. But on second thought, maybe you aren’t really dead. That’s a new thought, and it’s taking some getting used to. I think that I like it though. I could sort of get used to it. I’ll let you know how it works out.
I’m doing fine, I think. I’m back in the saddle as far as work goes, but it’s not the most important thing in my life any more. I think it was people, and not work that saved my life. Well, actually, some really cool people are telling me that it was God sending those people into my life that have saved my life. I never really thought about God much before. Well, to be more truthful, I never thought about God at all. I’m thinking about him now though. I think that maybe you’ve even met him. Funny, talking about God as a him. God would have to be pretty big to be creating all of this stuff and keeping it going. Like, does he – it – have a body? I dunno. You might know, but I don’t.
Anyway, your mother seems to be doing OK. I saw her last week and she looks good. She’s still a beautiful woman, really. She’s where you got your beauty from, in case you didn’t know. She’s got a boyfriend. You know, that sounds really weird. Unless the guy’s like seventeen or something, why would I call him a boyfriend? Anyway, she does, and she says that he’s a good man. We’re talking again and I hope that we can always be friends. I think we can.
I’m seeing a woman too. I guess I have to call her a girlfriend. I suppose it’s only fair. But she really is a woman, and a beautiful one. I know that you would like her.
Stevie – – -. Stevie, some people that I know have suggested that you aren’t really dead, that you are alive and in a place called heaven. I don’’t know about that but I feel the greatest possible comfort knowing that it is at least a possibility. I mean, a year ago I didn’t even believe that heaven exists. Now, I believe that it is possible. How? I don’t know. A very nice guy just told me today that some knowledge was above his pay grade. I guess that knowledge is above mine. I mean, it’s possible that this is all a bunch of crap and I’m kneeling here talking to a piece of rock in the middle of a big lawn.
But maybe not. Maybe you are alive and can hear me and are the happiest that you could possibly be, and maybe I’ll be with you someday, just as happy as you are and never to be without you again. Maybe you had to have that accident and die so that I could figure that out. I like that thought. For now, I think that I’ll hang onto it and see how far I can go with it.
“Say ‘Hi’ to Yeshua for me. That’s what a Jewish friend of mine calls Jesus, but I guess you might already know about that. I’ll be seeing you when my time rolls around.